


i have done nothing but think about portal au for three days

by whatisUPgaymers



Category: Stellar Firma (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, very rushed barely polished writing because i'm too full of FERVOR
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:08:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25004437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatisUPgaymers/pseuds/whatisUPgaymers
Summary: just sort of the beginning of stellar firma episode 1 except, wait, it's not like that at all, because this is portal actually,
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	i have done nothing but think about portal au for three days

**Author's Note:**

> the david and trexel playing portal 2 stream lives in my head rent-free and i've been trying to brainstorm the best way to make a full blown portal au ever since ! so just slapped this together over the past few hours with minimal distractions and rushed to get it out before my brain can throttle me for being so indulgent

He finally landed on solid flooring and immediately fell down sputtering. Before he had the chance to really catch his breath as much as he needed to, a disgusting looking man poked his head around the corner.

“Ah! There you are! Come-”

“ _ Aaah! _ ”

“Yes, yes, aaaaah, tubes, exciting, I know! I scream every time I go through one too! Can we move on to the test, now, please?”

“Where am I! Who are you! Wh-” He squinted up at him. “... Why are you wearing two pairs of glasses?”

“Well, you never know.”

“I-  _ okay? _ ”

As he walked closer, he stroked his chin. “Hmmm… I’m noticing a distinct lack of writing on your clothes.”

“... What?”

“ _ Ohhh! _ Right! You’re a new one! Of course!” He sat down cross-legged next to him. “Alright, new David, let’s get this over with. What do you know?”

“A- Am  _ I _ David?”

“Yes! C’mon, keep up!”

“ _ Okay! _ Okay! Er… Well, we’re… at? Aperture? Whatever that is? And this is… the Cooperative Testing Initiative, I’m assuming?”

“Mhm, yes.” He waited for him to continue for an awkward amount of time. “Is… is that  _ all _ you know?”

“Well, okay, the nice robot lady was probably explaining more when I was going through tubes, but I was a little bit preoccupied with  _ fearing for my life. _ ”

“David, the tubes are literally the only safe thing around here.”

“They’re  _ what?! _ ”

“Alright, alright, calm down! You’ll get used to it in no time! Just- alright, we don’t have a time limit here or anything, so let me do the bare minimum of getting you up to speed.”

“But if there’s no time limit, can’t you get me even more up to speed?”

He gave a scandalized gasp so hard that he leaned back from the sheer force of it. “You dare question  _ me? _ Do you know who I am?!”

“We’ve already established that I know  _ literally nothing! _ ”

“Well, not  _ literally _ nothing.”

“But still!”

“‘But still’ indeed! Because I am but still-” He paused to stand, posing dramatically. “ _ Trexel Geistman! _ ”

David awkwardly glanced from side to side. “Is- is that supposed to mean something?”

“Yes!”

From somewhere, a robotic voice piped up. “It really isn’t!”

Looking around at the ceiling, his eyes lit up. “There’s that nice robot lady again!”

“Hello!”

Trexel stomped his foot. “Hey! This isn’t the share pleasantries with IMOGEN show! This is Trexel explaining things to the newborn like a good little test subject!”

“Jealousy detected! Security alerted.”

David scrunched his eyebrows together. “Wait-  _ security? _ ”

Trexel waved that away. “Oh, don’t worry about it. I’ve wracked up about a million security alerts-”

“One million, three hundred twenty-four thousand, five hundred and seven,” IMOGEN chimed in.

“- And I’ve faced not a single consequence for it! I’m not sure if we even  _ have _ security!”

David squinted at the floor. “That’s… a bit concerning.”

“It really isn’t. Well, anyway!” Trexel gestured with a round, white device in his hand, covering a fair bit of his arm. “You see this?”

David looked at the one he’d been holding himself, seeming to only just now notice it. “Yes?”

“This right here’s a gun.”

Eyes wide, he quickly dropped it. “ _ Gun?! _ ”

“Hey, hey now! Be careful with that! I’m not sure how durable they are, and I don’t want to find out, because I’m  _ pretty _ sure IMOGEN will leave me stranded in a test chamber forever without it!”

“I absolutely will!”

David scooted backwards, kicking the device away from himself. “ _ Why _ do we have  _ guns?! _ ”

“They’re not  _ murder _ guns! Here, watch!” Trexel immediately aimed right at David.

He screwed his eyes shut, hands raised in front of him. “No, no, wait, I-!” He cut himself off after a flash of purple light passed outside his eyelids with a sound that was distinctly  _ not _ a bang. Carefully opening his eyes again, he looked down at the glowing purple oval beneath him, humming with an energy he couldn’t understand. “... Huh?” He was about to ask what it was, but before he could, Trexel shot a blue light at a nearby wall, causing David to tumble through. “ _ Wah! _ ”

“See!  _ Now _ you’re thinking with guns!”

IMOGEN chimed in again. “This is  _ exactly _ why all Aperture Science personnel refer to it as an Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device™!”

“I don’t have time to remember that many words!”

“Or the mental capacity!”

David looked up, taking a break from marvelling at the portals. “I- Are  _ these _ what we’re meant to be testing?”

“Yes, precisely.”

He stuck his head through the blue portal and looked at himself from the floor. “... Hrm.”

“David, stop staring at your own bum, that’s  _ super weird. _ ”

“I’m not- I just think this could get  _ very _ confusing very,  _ very _ fast.”

“Oh, sure, if you get here  _ late. _ Miss the tutorial and all that.”

“I-  _ what? _ Is this not the beginning?”

“Goodness, no! I made  _ some _ progress with the first- huh.” Trexel scratched his chin. “How many Davids has it been?”

“There have been-  _ six _ brutal clone deaths at your hand!” IMOGEN supplied, a little  _ too _ cheerful.

“Ah, yes! Thank you! Here-”

David shot a bewildered look at Trexel. “Wait, what?”

Fishing a marker out of his jumpsuit, he crouched down by David. “Let me just-”

“Trexel,  _ what? _ ”

“I’m just going to write your name down so I don’t forget, David, don’t be so confused. Look, I even did it to myself!” Sure enough, he had  _ Trecksel Guystmann _ scrawled on his chest, upside-down and barely legible.

“No, not  _ that, _ the- the  _ brutal clone death at your hand _ thing!”

“Well, yeah, what else do you think- okay, I don’t like how she said it’s at  _ my _ hand, I don’t really consider that accurate, but- what else do you think happens to previous clones?”

“I thought it was just me!”

“Oh, don’t be silly!”

“Okay, well, how many  _ ~Trexel Geistmans~ _ have there been, then, hm?”

“I’m a human, you silly little slime-boy, we don’t work that way. We don’t get a respawn.  _ You’re _ actually the lucky one in that regard!”

“... What.”

“What, did you think I was  _ like you? _ ” He snorted as he got to work writing down on David’s jumpsuit. “That’s- that’s pretty funny, David! Didn’t think you clones could do that! I’m impressed. Ah, there we go!” Satisfied with his abhorrent handwriting, he stood up, pocketing the marker again. “Alright,  _ David 7, _ let’s get to testing!”

“N… no?”

“... Beg your pardon?”

“No? No. No, I- there’s still more I need to know.”

“Oh, come on, we haven’t got all day!”

“Yes, we do! You said there’s no time limit!”

“While I  _ would _ like for this to be done as soon as possible, he  _ does _ have a point,” IMOGEN said.

Wiping a hand down his face, Trexel let out an exaggerated sigh. “Uuuugh, fine,  _ one _ more question. And you better make it count, because I do  _ not _ know a lot of things!”

David was about to protest, but after a bit of thought, he decided there was only one more question he  _ needed _ right now. “How come only one of us is a clone?”

“Oh,  _ every time- _ ” He huffed before rushing himself through the explanation. “Okay, it  _ used _ to be two humans, but they dusted off an old experiment- that’s you- to fill in because the other humans kept quitting because I’m- air quotes- ‘completely insufferable to work with.’ Are you happy now?”

“Wh- why did you  _ announce _ your air quotes? I can see you doing them just fine.”

“Well, you never know, we could be in some sort of audio-only medium. Like some kind of ‘podded cast’ or something.”

“...  _ What? _ ”

Gasping, Trexel’s eyebrows flew up. “Hey! Hey now! I said  _ one _ question!” He laughed and shook his head. “Ohhh, you… you are a  _ rascal, _ David 7. I’m gonna have to keep an eye on you.”

“Okay?”

“Well, come on now, we- hang on, can you stand? This whole thing’s going to be even more inconvenient for everyone involved if you can’t stand.”

“... Uhm.” With a bit of fumbling, and a  _ lot _ of clutching the edges of the portal on the wall, David wobbled to his feet. “Yes…?”

“... Good enough!” Trexel turned around and ran back into the main area of the test chamber. “Well, here I go!”

“H-  _ Trexel! _ ” Still unsteady, he went to pick his portal gun back up before trailing after him. “Hang on a minute!”

**Author's Note:**

> i was going to write how david got there too but that would literally just be copying the Very very beginning of episode 1 and changing a few things to be about aperture instead which i did Not want to take the time to do
> 
> also had a bit of a chuckle to myself at trexel thinking it was funny that david thought he'd be a clone too bc i've actually been working on a roleswap au fic where trexel is, in fact, a clone,


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